Norman Birnbach
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Kings of the U.S.A.

10/28/2014

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As it turns out, the Kansas City Royals, currently battling it out in the World Series, were named for the American Royal Livestock Show, an annual show that has taken place each October in Kansas City since 1899. That means they were not named for British royalty. But I'm not sure of the origin of the Kansas City Monarchs, a Negro League baseball team.

We seem to be a country that loves royalty, whether British royalty, Hollywood royalty or faux royalty. I thought it would be interesting to capture that, to find a way to make the point that we're still overwhelmed hby royalty in this country. One way to do so, I felt, was to compile a list of Kings in the U.S.A., which turns out (according to my unscientific study) to be the most popular royal title in the country, far more popular than Queen (sorry, Latifah), Prince (no offense, the singer once again known as), other royal title.

Without further ado (since no one ever says, "That was a nice introduction but it could have used more 'ado's'), "Here's my list of the Kings of the U.S.A.

·       King of Beers

·       King of Pop

·       “King of Queens”

·       Kings of Leon

·       King Kong

·       Don King

·       Larry King

·       Billie Jean King

·       Martin Luther King, Jr.

·       Rodney King

·       Burger King

·       LA Kings

·       Sacramento Kings

·       One Kings Lane

·       King City, OR

·        “Pawn Kings”

·       “Auction Kings”

·       B.B. King

·       Stephen King

·       Papaya King

·       
The Sausage King of Chicago

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Latest Article Hits on McSweeney's

10/25/2014

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These days, online humor articles are all about the concept. 

That's especially true for McSweeney's Internet Tendency's list column. 

I wrote an article called "Things That Needed One More Iteration Before They Were Ready to Go to Market. It's available
here.

After my friend, Noako, read the article on McSweeney's, she came up with a few musical- and TV-show-oriented items that needed just one more iteration:


  • U1
  • Jackson 4
  • The Three Tops
  • The B-51s
  • Maroon 4
  • 9cc
  • .37 Special
  • 9,999 Maniacs
  • "Working Nine to Four"
  • 1 Live Crew
  • Ben Folds Four
  • Two Dog Night
  • Thompson Siblings
  • Two Days Ago
  • Ruby Monday
  • Dave Clark 4
  • Two Dogs Night
  • UB39
  • "Hawaii 4-0" theme song
  • The Five Million-Dollar Man
  • The Two Stooges
  • Spice Girl
  • Beach Boy

Here are some contributed by another friend, Peggy. These are great, so I hope you enjoy!

  • 7 O'Clock Coffee
  • 10:59 News
  • Colt 44
  • 20-Gun Salute
  • "Adam-11"
  • MI-4
  • James Bond, 006
  • Control Agents 85 and 98
  • 13 karat gold
  • 100 Dalmations
  • Baskin Robins' 30 Flavors
  • "49 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
  • Vicks43
  • 10W-39
  • 999 Island Dressing
  • Singlemint Gum
  • Spirit of '75
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More Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Naming

10/25/2014

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Because enough friends liked the concept of things that needed a better name before being released, here are some books, movie and music titles that needed just a little bit more. A good number of these were suggested by my friend Carl.

  • 59 Minutes
  • Like Story
  • Star Battles
  • Star Hike
  • The Good, the Bad & the Slightly Unattractive
  • 11 Angry Men
  • Some of the President's Men
  • Some about Eve
  • Part of Me
  • Six Samurai
  • Seven is Enough
  • The Princess Fiancee
  • No One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
  • One and a Half Men
  • The Moderate-Sized Bang Theory
  • I Like Lucy
  • The Honeymooner
  • It's a Pretty Good Life
  • Pretty Good Days
  • Laverne &
  • Two Musketeers
  • Seven Men Out
  • Part Metal Jacket
  • 299: The Rise of the Empire
  • The 399 Blows
  • Indianapolis 499
  • 499 Days of Summer
  • Apocalypse Soon
  • Close Encounters of the 2nd Kind
  • Batboy
  • Single Indemnity
  • The Postman Always Rings Once
  • Strangers on a Trolley
  • The City That Sometimes Sleeps
  • The 38 Steps
  • To Injure a Mockingbird
  • A Shrub Grows in Brooklyn
  • Shelter from the Drizzle
  • Some Like It Luke-Warm
  • Gone with the Breeze


Things Found in the supermarket:

  • Injured by Chocolate
  • Ordinary K
  • Lt. Crunch
  • Rice Krispie: Snap and Crackle
  • Middle-Aged Spice
  • Hilly Dew
  • Pepper, PhD


Misc.

  • Ketel None
  • AA's 11-Step Program
  • Preparation G
  • A picture is worth 999 words
  • Alexander the Good
  • Area 50



Let me know if you have any additional suggestions.

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Top 5 Things I Know about Joke Lists

10/15/2014

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With the advent of email, we saw long-form jokes that were circulated among friends. I remember getting jokes via email that were several paragraphs long. We seemed to have a lot of time on our hands, back in the '90s.

Those jokes don't cut it in the age of Twitter.

But over the past few years, there's a new narrative device: Lists.  Sometimes, instead of referring to the dated "blogosphere," I refer to the "Listophere" because some many things are written up as lists. It certainly makes sense to tell jokes via lists.

Here are top five things I've learned (so far) about telling jokes as lists.

  1. It's all about the concept. And then you need to have a great headline. For sites like McSweeney's Internet Tendency's lists, it's important to set up the joke/concept in the headline, clearly and concisely. By the way, having a clear concept isn't the only hurdle, but if you don't have that, you're lost. A good place to get ideas for what works as headlines would be to check out native ads, which often raise the stakes for readers: "You won't believe what's in your food", "(Fill-in number) signs your (addiction, whatever that is, like clickbait) addiction is out of control"; or "This (fill-in-the-blank) will leave you speechless."
  2. It's also about the visuals. You can have a terrific concept but if you don't have the visuals to accompany the joke, you won't get on Buzzfeed or other sites. Make sure you edit the artwork to be a consistent size and format. Adding graphics to your piece definitely changes the pacing of the joke, and as a writer, can take time to get used to. In fact, it can just take time. Even when I had a good sense of the graphics to accompany a fairly simple list with a complicated title (BuzzFeed's Community: 
    "20 Days That Either Served, Shouldn’t Have Served Or Should Never Serve As A Major Plot Point In A Hollywood Movie") posting and finalizing the graphics took an hour longer than planned. 
  3. The length of the captions for lists depends on the site. Some sites, like Buzzfeed, generally limit the accompanying text to one sentence. Other sites like TopTenz often have a couple of paragraphs accompanying the graphic. If you're targeting a specific site, follow its style in terms of tone, approach and length. If you're writing for your own blog, consider which works best for you.
  4. The number of items in your list depends on the site. Not surprisingly, sites like TopTenz want lists with 10 items. McSweeney's, BuzzFeed and others have no strict limit to the number of items in the list. But odd numbers like 5 or 7, or even numbers like 10, 15 or 20, work well when you're developing a numbered list. (Please note: not every list has to be numbered.)
  5. The most important items in your list are the first and the last item. The first ensures readers get the joke. The last one should be the funny but with some unexpected twist or surprise to give the piece a sense of closure.

This list isn't intended to be comprehensive or funny. I've written a couple of (what I think are) funny lists, and expect one to appear shortly in McSweeney's. (The article has been accepted; I just don't know when it will appear.) I decided that since funny lists-with-graphics is a "thing," I would try it. I don't necessarily think graphically, which is why I tried 
"20 Days That Either Served, Shouldn’t Have Served Or Should Never Serve As A Major Plot Point In A Hollywood Movie" on BuzzFeed. 

I know, I know -- the headline is neither as clear or succinct as I would like it. Basically, it's a movie lover's list of movies based on days or holiday observances -- some of which are great movies, some of which are terrible movies (and shouldn't have been made) and some of the days don't lend themselves to being made into movies, ever, and I hope Hollywood never tries to turn Tax Day into a movie.  (Perhaps it would be a good slasher movie, if Grover Norquist or Rand Paul got to it. ) Or tries again to turn Earth Day into one. (As for the equal-opportunity joke against Democrats, Al Gore already turned Earth Day into a documentary, which was stiff, a bit dry, and not followed by a sequel.)

Let me know if you have other suggestions for making joke lists work.
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